I'm 17 years old, and also for a while now the only reason I proceed to live has actually been the self-destruction obstacle around the Aurora Bridge in Seattle. I have actually no friends, no skills, nothing to keep me occupied except my severe stress, depression, OCD and also ADD.
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While I am periodically associated in social cases, the outcome of these is, inevitably, complete humiliation. Sometimes I say things that are so improbably stupid that they make everyone else about feel uncomfortable, but many of the moment i say nothing at all. It takes me days of intense rumicountry to "get over" each succeeding embarrassment - which in this case indicates that I ultimately become simply as well exhausted to keeping thinking about it, at least until the cycle begins aobtain.
The one thing I desperately need, a partnership, is entirely unattainable because of my physical ugliness and also social awkwardness. All the suffering would simply wash ameans if someone were to love me, but that can love someone that spends several nights a week sobbing and also tearing at their hair as a result of intense self-loathing and loneliness? I've never kissed anyone, never before recognized of anyone that had actually non-platonic feelings towards me, and also yet the just thing that could make me want to live is a girlfrifinish. What a fuckin' combicountry.
I have actually one "friend", the air quotes coming from the reality that I am always the one to speak to him and never before the various other method around. Today he told me about a party he had at his residence last night, that i was of course not invited to, which put me via yet an additional wave of despair. Tright here are countless human being that fawn over him and also love him - i know this from the endure of being roughly him and his friends, who are constantly complimenting him. He has numerous girlfriends (I mean that literally, he's polyamorous), and also there is no worse feeling in the human being than seeing them provide him bottomless physical and also emotional affection. And all of my intense jealousy renders me feel prefer i deserve everything shitty about my life.
I desire to be a journalist, however my brain will certainly never before let me sit down and also write somepoint meaningful except self-destruction notes. It's prefer the neurons just refuse to fire in the very same direction for even more than 5 minutes unless it's my problems I'm concentrating on. I've tried every ADD drug conceivable, as well. My parents pretty much execute my schoolwork for me bereason i just begin crying and also provide up eexceptionally time i attempt to carry out it. Is tbelow anyone else out tright here as pathetic as that?
I'm so fucking angry all the time and also I can't number out if it's myself or the human being or both I'm mad at. I try as tough as I perhaps have the right to to be an excellent perkid, yet I must not be trying tough sufficient, if nobody wants to be around me. This isn't short-lived teenager angst; I've never been anypoint in my life yet a lonely, bullied, insecure wreck.
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I simply desire to be at tranquility, free from the crippling stress and also despair I confront almost everywhere I go. But of the three suicide approaches that seem to actually job-related in an easy, quick, and also painmuch less means (firearms, barbituprices, and a loss from great height) are all simply as impossible for me as happiness. I live exceptionally close to the formerly second-most-renowned suicide spot in the U.S., the Aurora Bridge, but you suicide-avoidance fuckers and your ugly-ass $5 million fence nixed that option. I want to die and also I deserve to die, so why can't I? No really, I'm curious. Exsimple yourselves.