Have you ever started or stoked a fire? If so, you know that you have to use kindling. You also know that the smallest spark can eventually become a roaring blaze. Once the fire has reached its full potential, you maintain it and it stays strong – or you neglect it and it dies out. The same principle applies to learning how to rekindle a relationship.
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The same principle applies to learning how to rekindle a relationship.
Why relationships die down
Has your relationship fizzled or has the fire died down? There are several reasons why you may need to rekindle your love. The most common reason is that one or both of you have stopped putting in the work necessary to keep your love alive. You may have stopped speaking to one another gently or you’ve started punishing each other for mistakes. You could also be spending too much time at work or with your friends and have drifted away from your significant other. Life changes can also be difficult to navigate for many couples. If you have recently had children, experienced a job loss or moved to a new city, the stress of the situation could take a toll on your relationship if you don’t make an effort to stay connected.
It doesn’t matter why you need to rekindle love. What matters is that it is possible. If you want to learn how to fix a broken relationship, whether it’s a recent romance or a long-term love affair, you need some emotional kindling. Over time, taking the following small steps in your relationship can lead to massive changes and help you bring back the spark.
1. Use your relationship polarity to your advantage
Having things in common with your partner is wonderful, but opposites also attract. This principle is called the law of polarity. Think back to when you first met your significant other. Things were easy between the two of you, and the physical chemistry proved your instant attraction. When you rekindle a relationship, remember that ease and chemistry. Nurture your own natural energy and confidence; your partner was and is attracted to you in your natural state.
Your natural energy and your partner’s energy work together to create your relationship’s chemistry. When working together in a natural, balanced way, neither of you need to suppress your true self, and you can be happy together as you are. If you find yourself in the position of fixing a relationship, you’ll probably find that one or both of you has sacrificed your true self somewhere along the way – and regaining this energy is vital to moving forward.
2. Be physical to help intimacy grow
When times are tough and we’re looking for how to rekindle a relationship, many of us have trouble being physical with our partner. This is especially true when sex is a contentious issue in the relationship. If you find yourself being less physical with your partner to punish them or are avoiding sex for any reason, you need to address that immediately. Fixing a relationship is nearly impossible when one or both of you are not able to show physical affection.
Affectionate physical contact, whether sexual or not, gives you the natural high your body’s hormones produce and can help you get into the right frame of mind to rekindle love. Remember to touch your partner frequently as this will help you to redevelop closeness and intimacy. Give the one you love a reassuring caress, a hug or just a squeeze of the hand that says, “I’m still here and I’m not going anywhere.” These small moments can mean a lot to your partner when you’re trying to fix a relationship.
Of course, sex is also very important in a relationship and understanding your own sexual energy – as well as that of your partner – is key to learning how to rekindle a relationship. If sexual intimacy is becoming less and less frequent, you need to take action now before it becomes an insurmountable problem.
3. Be curious about your partner
When you started dating your partner, you were intensely curious about them. You wanted to know what they were thinking and feeling at all times. You asked questions about their past and their future dreams. Do you still act in this manner? If not, it could be a big reason why you are now in the position of learning how to rekindle love.
Curiosity about your partner involves asking questions and practicing deep listening when they answer. It goes beyond asking how their day went or what they’d like for dinner. Find out what they think about current events, how their new position at work makes them feel in terms of life goals and how their dreams for the future have changed. When you spark your curiosity for your partner, fixing a relationship becomes easier for both of you.
4. Innovate and give the relationship your best effort
When you and your partner were just starting out, you showed each other your best sides. You consistently thought about ways to make your partner feel special, such as leaving them love notes or planning extravagant dates. More than anything, you were your partner’s biggest fan and they were yours. When did that stop and how did that coincide with your need to learn how to rekindle a relationship?
It’s easy to fall into comfortable habits in relationships and stop putting forth as much conscious effort, but resist taking the easy way out in your love life. Remember that committing to continually improving your relationship is one of the 10 cardinal rules of love. Want to know how to rekindle a relationship?
Consider that the success of your partnership works the exact same way as the success of your initial courtship. Remember what you did to win your partner over. How happy would your partner feel today if you took a few extra minutes to remind them they are loved? Understand that your connection will continue to strengthen and deepen if you innovate and make extraordinary efforts. Fixing a relationship almost takes care of itself when you start putting the effort from your early days into a relationship that is more mature.
5. Use your voice as a powerful tool for building intimacy
As much as physical touch and thoughtfulness are keys to a relationship, so are your words. Your words have incredible power and those who are looking for how to rekindle a relationship sometimes don’t realize that the words they’ve been using with their partner are harming them. Not only do the stories we tell ourselves define us as individuals, but our words can also build up our partner and relationship or tear them both down. In many situations, there is no “right thing” to say; you just need to be genuine. Learning how to rekindle love is one of those situations, so you must learn to communicate effectively with your partner in order to revitalize your bond.
Use heartfelt words when communicating with your partner – whether it’s about your trip to the grocery store or resolving a personal conflict. Remember to say things like “I love you,” “thank you” and “I miss you.” Said with genuine emotion, these little statements make tough times easier between the two of you, which helps you build or rebuild trust after it’s been betrayed.
Rekindle love by speaking with care and compassion and avoiding blame at all costs. When the two of you are arguing, don’t say anything in the heat of the moment that you’ll regret later. Remind yourself that this is a person you love and trust, and that your words affect them deeply. As you work together to communicate your love and respect for each other, you will find that your rekindled love is even stronger than the love you shared at the beginning of your relationship.
6. Defuse conflict with fun
When figuring out how to rekindle a relationship, never avoid conflict just because you’re afraid to work through issues. Couples who are serious about fixing a relationship know that conflict, when handled correctly, leads to growth. The key is to address the problem before it gets out of control – but find a way to make it fun instead of taxing.
When you were in high school you probably felt the world was about to end more than once because you were dealing with many situations and emotions for the first time. But as an adult, with age and experience on your side, you probably look back and laugh at your “insurmountable” problems. When you carry this type of can-do attitude into your current partnership, you will be better able to figure out how to rekindle a relationship.
When you descend into a fight with your partner, fast forward to the laughing part. Remember, controlling your emotions is a skill you can master; there is no need to be driven by your feelings or to suppress them when learning how rekindle love. Don’t avoid the issue – soften it with humor. Try getting angry about the problem while doing a ridiculous dance or talking about it in a cartoon voice. Once you start laughing – and you will – you can learn to connect your partner to happier emotions even when there’s a conflict between the two of you.
Fixing a broken relationship is a painful and exhausting process – even when done correctly. When you’re able to laugh with your partner and connect through humor and lightness, you can make your way through the difficult terrain together and create a truly fulfilling relationship.
7. Write it down
When attempting to rekindle love, some partners have problems communicating their feelings face to face. This could be due to fear over how their words will affect their partner, uncertainty that they will get the words right or limiting beliefs regarding their communication skills. Some just communicate better through writing, especially during the early stages of rebuilding a relationship.
Writing down your thoughts can be a good way to extend a mindful apology, work through difficult feelings or express your love and appreciation for your partner. When you’re done, you may give your partner the piece you wrote – or you may keep it to yourself. The writing is to help you understand your own feelings and find the right words to say to the one you love.
8. Set ground rules for the future
How did you reach the point where you needed to rekindle love? Once you’ve rebuilt trust and connection, take steps to avoid a similar scenario in the future. Set ground rules: Do you both agree to prioritize each other and the relationship before your own individual needs? What decisions will be made alone and which will be made as a couple?
9. Build a happy memory bank
Every couple faces tough times, and it’s easy to focus on negative experiences. To counteract these, build a happy memory bank that you both can reflect on when you’re struggling. Where focus goes, energy flows, and when you focus on moments of joy and connection, you relive those memories and rekindle love.To construct your memory bank, plan regular date nights and recognize special occasions. Find any reason to celebrate, even if that means celebrating for no reason at all. Create traditions that are comforting and increase your connection. Treat each other with kindness and empathy, and take any opportunity you can to build your partner up.
Learning how to rekindle a relationship is not easy – it takes time and effort to create and sustain a supportive and healthy relationship and even more time if you’re faced with fixing a broken relationship. But with time and patience, you can rebuild trust and deeply connect with your partner.
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For more Tony Robbins resources to reignite the passion in your love life check out his Firewalk, YouTube, and Facebook pages.