The initially "el Bachelor Latino" sets 27 hearts aflutter. Actually, make that 26 -- the woguy holding the First Impression Rose is just not that right into him


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Hola increased lovers! ¡Feliz año nuevo! Are you all set to make some history with the first Latino Bachelor? And does anyone know how to say “ass-grab maneuver” in Spanish? Judging from that ptestimonial of the seachild, I’ll need to know exactly how if I want to recap Juan Pablo’s make-out sessions accurately.

You are watching: The bachelor season 18 episode 1


You remember Juan Pablo, don’t you? For those of you who didn’t watch Desiree’s season of The Bachelorette (and also let’s be honest — a totality lot of you didn’t), here’s a quick reminder: Juan Pabs is an American-born, Venezuelan-bred previous skilled soccer player who controlled to exhilittle bit more sex appeal and also charisma in about 12 minutes of complete display screen time than all the various other bachelors wooing Desiree linked. After Desiree sent out him home in episode six… Sorry, what’s that, Team Bachelor? We’re pretty a lot ignoring Juan Pablo’s Bachelorette beginning story? We’re simply going to pretend that you occurred to uncover him in Miami increasing his adorable 4-year-old girl Camila and also assumed “Hey, this hunky single dad would certainly make a great Bachelor?” Oh… okay.


In that situation, let’s sign up with Juan Pablo’s life, currently in progress: shirtmuch less beach volleyround, hanging out through expert basesphere players as component of his project as a “sports and entertainment consultant,” or somepoint, and illustration hearts via his forever before valentine, Camila. Sure, it’s nice — but duty calls! “I’m in this instance bereason America wanted me to be the Bachelor,” says Juan Pabs, that reminds us that he’s uniquely qualified. “I’m the initially el Bachelor Latino. I soptimal the language of loooove.” (Congratulations, Internet — your first Juan Pablo gif of 2014 has actually arrived!)


So fill your bags, Camila, because you and your abuelo and abuelita are off to Los Angeles for the first flutz-heilmann.info weeks of daddy’s “journey” (or “aventura,” to use the Bachelor’s chosen phrase). And don’t concern — he’s going to have actually plenty of time to play via you… and also Bachelor No. 17 Sean Lowe! Camila, honey, run alengthy now; daddy’s got some vital, grown-up points he requirements to comment on with his pink-cheeked predecessor. First and foremany, warns Sean, “All all prices, make certain if you kiss someone, the various other girls don’t vilutz-heilmann.info.” Also, be certain to select a woguy you have the right to have fun with whether you’re riding an elephant in Thailand or bapoint skunk-sprayed dogs in tomato juice in Burbank at 2 a.m. Got that, Juan Pablo? Great. Now suit up, guapo — the limo arrivals are nigh! And I hope you’ve had actually your shots, sir, because Chris Harrichild simply increated us that Juan Pablo fever before has reached “epidemic proparts.” As much as I understand, tright here is no cure.


Speaking of points that can’t be aided, let’s accomplish the “ladies”! Keep in mind, Juan Pabs is in search of 4 things in a woman: the capability to be a good stepmom to Cameeeela, and (according to his Bachelorette questionnaire) a “fit body, good-dimension breasts, and also a nice smile.” Wait, would certainly that be 5 things? Either means, it’s pre-recorded intro time.


Chelsie, 24: This perky blonde science “educator” (this reportedly implies she teaches at a museum) figures the means to Juan Pablo’s heart is via the recitation of rudimentary Spanish phrases, so she’s practicing diligently in an effort to “totally impush him.” Overall rating on the Juan Pablo 5-Point Mateability Scale: 2 (I’m docking her 3 points for inenough rack exposure throughout her intro package.)


NEXT: I probably would certainly have gone with “unemployed” instead of “previous NBA dancer”


Renee, 32: She and also fellow contestant Claire might be the earliest contestants in the mix, yet Renee liklutz-heilmann.infoise has a not-so-trick weapon: Her 8-year-old kid, Ben. Single parental fees alone together! Juan Pablo Matecapability Scale rating: 4 (Knocking off one suggest for her smile, which seems more “world-weary and sad” than “nice.”)


Andi, 24: An assistant district attorney in Atlanta who disarms opposing counsel via her high cheekbones and also serious ponytail. Juan Pablo Mateability Scale rating: 3 (You’re already pouting about contending with 24 various other women? Two-allude penalty.)


Amy, 31: I can’t decide what irked me even more about this LA-based massage therapist: Her weird, blissed-out facial expressions and also hefty breapoint while she was kneading that random dude’s muscles, or the reality that she thinks Juan Pablo wants to be fed his eggs “here comes the airplane!” style. Overall Juan-Pablo Matecapacity Rating: 1 (If it weren’t for your boobs, lady, you’d have gained a huge ‘ol zero.)


Nikki, 26: Sorry, I’d prefer to have actually an opinion around this effervescent blonde pediatric nurse, yet I’m too distracted by the 2 ridiculously cute babies Team Bachelor recruited to pose as her patients. Overall Juan-Pablo Matecapability Rating: 3.5 (If only her segment had also more babies…)


Lauren H., 25: It seems prefer Team Bachelor really has actually it out for this “mineral coordinator” (whatever that is). First they make her look 45 in her official portrait, and then they park a electronic camera about 3 inches from her butt as she’s getting up from a bench in the time of her intro package. I find both of those points far more upestablishing than the reality that her fiancé dumped her after six weeks. Overall Juan-Pablo Matecapability Rating: 2 (¿Como se dice “sad-sack” en Español?)


Valerie, 26: Self-explained “pretty girl” personal trainer who is, in truth, not all that pretty. Overall Juan-Pablo Mateability Rating: .5 (You’re no Courtney, toots.)


Lacy, 25: Good-size boobs? Check. Pleasant smile? Check. Inspiringly selfmuch less devotion to her special-demands relatives and also the elderly, which reminds me that my life is an exercise in myopic cynicism? Check. Overall Juan-Pablo Matecapability Rating: 4 (We have to dock you one suggest for saying your favorite snack is “warm Cheetos.” Shudder.)


Clare, 32: Oh, you understand she’s gonna go much — and not simply because she’s component Mexihave the right to. I think it was Chekov that said, “If you reveal in the first episode that a woman’s dead father recorded a DVD message to her future husband also, by the 7th or 8th episode that DVD absolutely need to be watched by the Bachelor.” Overall Juan-Pablo Mateability Rating: 4.5 (So cshed, Clare, however you shed half a suggest for imagining that Juan Pablo could ever before love any woman as much as he loves Cameeeela.)


Time to hose off the flagstones at Casa Bachelor, because here comes Juan Pablo. And Harrison’s about to drop his initially bomb of the night: Due to an “overwhelming” fan response, tright here will certainly be 27 women competing for roses, not the usual 25. Speaking of which, I can hear the drunken lambs screaming… looks choose the limos are beginning to arrive! Local nlutz-heilmann.infos reporter Amy L. exits initially, and greets Juan Pabs with a broad smile and a sweetly goofy hug. Swan-necked Cassandra is following, and while you’d think a “previous NBA dancer” wouldn’t acquire stage fappropriate, she have the right to badepend choke out a flutz-heilmann.info giggles prior to going entirely silent. Will Christy — who was last watched jamming a pink sequined gvery own right into her suitcase on the Countdvery own to Juan Pablo special — fare better? Apparently Juan Pablo thinks she did simply fine: “I am liking this initially leeemo,” he tells no one in specific.


Side note about the Countdown to Juan Pablo special: It was completely unexceptional, other than for this moment during a montage of audition footage, which perfectly summed up the fact TV producer-contestant relationship in 12 words:


Anyhoo, Christy the “police assistance specialist” comes armed with a cute bit name bracelet for Camila, and also Nikki pulls out a stethoscope so Juan Pabs have the right to hear just how quick her heart is beating — which additionally needs him to nestle his hand in her cleavage. (Well played, missy!) Kat in limo No. 2 additionally manperiods to procure some additional physical contact through the Bachelor via her “teach me how to salsa” program, and also Chantel bucks the formal gvery own heritage by arriving in a skin-tight blue minidress. Her sartorial risk is overshadowed by “free spirit” Lucy, that attempts to stand also out by wearing a flower headband, a dress made from an ace bandage and white satin sheets, and no shoes. (Did we point out she’s a “complimentary spirit”?)


Come on, “females,” this is amateur hour — I require some abject humiliation pronto! All ideal, it looks prefer music composer Lauren S. has actually pertained to play, literally and also figuratively: She opts to pedal a piano on wheels up the drivemeans, huffing and also puffing the whole means. And if that’s not embarrassing enough, she forgets to tell Juan Pablo her name, forcing the Bachelor to chase her right into the mansion, much to the surpclimb and delight of the other “females.” Judging by the Bachelor’s flummoxed expression, Chelsie’s cutesy “chemistry” experiment falls flat, however Clare’s fake pregnancy stunt doesn’t sheight Juan Pablo from heralding that she’s “exceptionally cute.” And why did it take so long for somebody to play the soccer card? Thank you, Alli (though I hope you carried some heels to readjust into).


Other notlutz-heilmann.infoorthy intros: Maggie the “individual banker”/Southern belle from South Carolina offers Juan Pablo a fishing hook (“I simply really hope you’re gonna be the massive catch that I’ve been waitin’ for!”); Kelly the experienced “dog lover” brings her pooch Molly, which is excellent bereason if it weren’t for the little bit fuzzsphere, Kelly would certainly more than likely still be wandering Casa Bachelor‘s grounds, searching for the door. Alexis smuggles in some drugs (if only! it’s candy), yet it’s lawyer Andi who leaves the Bachelor feeling intoxicated. “Oh my gosh!” he marvels as she emerges from the limo. “Wow… Wow, wow.”


Okay, sir, all the “ladies” are below — it’s time to head once more unto the breech of babes. First Juan Pablo warms the room up with a small Latin-flavored flattery — “Every time you came out of the leeemo I was choose, ‘What am I going to doooo? ¡Ay yi yiiii!'” — however he can’t aid however feel creeped out by the hungry gazes of 27 womales in their reproductive prime. “It feels like you’re a meat and also they desire to eat you appropriate tright here,” he confesses. To break the tension, Juan Pablo borrows a sad little bit transistor radio from someone (really, Team Bachelor? No one on site had actually an iPod?) and cranks up the tunes. Once everyone’s sufficiently loosened up by the music and a couple of rounds in the FunTimes Foto BoothTM, it’s time for the one-on-ones to begin. Nikki the nurse giggles with glee when Juan Pablo manages to remember who she is — “Yes! Your heart, boom boom,” he says, which prices a 4.3 bazillion on the adorcapacity range — and also Renee predictably bonds through the Bachelor over single parenthood.

See more: Pair It Down Or Pare It Down, Pare ​Definitions And Synonyms


Lucy doesn’t count on such superficial similarities to make her connection via Juan Pablo — she pdescribes usage her extraordinary capability to invade others’ personal room. “Do you acquire nervous as soon as I acquire cshed to you?” she coos. Short answer: Yes. Also, acquire your bare feet off his legs — gross! Continuing on the also cshed for comfort design template, Amy J. leads Juan Pabs to a massage table and begins rubbing down his besuited body after anointing her hands through crucial oils. (Hope you setup to pay his dry cleaning bill, toots!) Suffice it to say, neither “lady” will be receiving the First Impression Rose, which Harriboy has just deposited on the table. Oops, my poor — it’s not simply a rose, it’s Maggie’s future. “I came out right here because, you know, I am prepared to settle down and have a family members,” she increates us. “To me that increased is just one step closer to finding that.”


But Maggie and also numerous of the various other bachelorettes have actually yet to snag any one-on-one time with the Bachelor. Time to be aggressive (b-e aggressive!), “ladies”! Oh for the love of all that’s holy — Lauren H. are you crying again? “My last partnership finished unexpectedly,” she whimpers as her tear ducts battle to release yet another salty drop. “Obviously it has impacted me in more means than I realized.” I expect we need to be thankful for Lauren’s existential breakdvery own — I’m guessing Team Bachelor wouldn’t have invested practically a whole segment on it if they had actually any type of other cocktail night “drama” to choose from. At some point she washes those mascara streaks right off of her face and gets it together enough to sit dvery own through Juan Pablo. Naturally, they comment on her traumatic breakup and how entirely over it she is. Ooof.


Okay, shake it off, increased lovers — the race for the First Impression Rose is in its last leg! Will it be Danielle through her teddy bear? Kylie via her “I dreamt around you” pick-up line? Lacy via her photo puzzle? No, no, and no — it’s Sharleen and also her worldly pea-soup wiener that earn the first impression rose from Juan Pablo. Unfortunately for him, she’d fairly he speak to her a cab. “I guess I believed that I would feel more of this, favor, insta-chemistry than I did,” she admits to Team Bachelor. “If I’m completely honest, it just appeared a tiny forced.” I don’t recognize what I’m even more surprised by: The truth that Sharleen isn’t swayed by Juan Pablo’s sex-on-a-stick charms, or that Andi’s reaction to losing out on the first impression increased is to say something nice about the womale who did gain it: “She’s super, super sweet.” Way to course up the joint, counselor!


Getting earlier to the awkwardness at hand also, Sharleen eyes Juan Pablo warily as he proffers the coveted symbol of his affection: “I think you’re extremely elegant, I favor the method you are, and also uh, Sharleen will you accept this rose?” After an uncomfortable eight-second pausage — throughout which you deserve to nearly check out the little angel on her shoulder squeaking “Do the best thing!” while the tiny adversary shrieks “I wanna be on Teeeee-Veeee!” — Sharleen reluctantly agrees. “Sure. Yeah, sure.” Betch, say give thanks to you, and for God’s sake sheight calling him “sir”! Juan Pablo (bad, cluemuch less, ridonkulously warm Juan Pablo) continues to be blissfully unaware that he did not simply make Sharleen’s day. “I understand she’s going to sleep well tonight,” he crows, “and also that renders me happy.”


But there will be no sleep for anyone until all the roses are handed out. “Ladies,” please assemble in the execution chamber! You as well, Molly! Juan Pablo, once you’re prepared (and also don’t be afraid to let out a hefty sigh between each increased if require be)… Clare gets the initially rose (and also a nasty side-eye from Amy J.), followed by Nikki, Renee, Andi, Alli, Chantel, Lauren S., Kelly (and also Molly), Cassandra, Danielle, Chelsie, Kat… No, he said Kat. KAT. I know he’s gained an accent yet come on, Kylie. (And nice try.) Heaving another sigh, Juan Pablo plays through the pain of Kylie’s “whoops” minute and also hands out the last five roses to Victoria, Christy, twirly freduced kid Lucy, Elise, and Amy “I’m a hugger” L. Sorry Kylie, Lauren H., Amy J., Christine, Ashley, Valerie, Lacy, Maggie, and Alexis — there’s nopoint left to say other than you ssuggest weren’t great enough. (Especially you, Lauren H.)


Before we wrap this initially leg of our “journey” (sorry, “adventure”), let’s take a moment to rank the 5 finest sound bites from the “this seachild on The Bachelor” previlutz-heilmann.info: