Depressed, civilization pleaser, no-one knows the genuine me, just a persona - I don't also recognize the genuine me I've invested so lengthy faking that I am

Don't recognize where this belongs so I put it in depression, tension and psychological health, hope I deserve to gain a response from someone.

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I'm a 19 year old male. I feel as though every single activity I execute is to please someone else in some means. I don't feel prefer absolutely anypoint I do is truly me.

I was always an extremely happy go lucky son and also teenager, then a couple of years back when I was 15, some significant stuff went dvery own via me and my parents, and I had actually to resolve the majority of tension and also some horrible, horrible, points that I should never have to deal with. Towards the finish of this ordeal, I met a girl and also we easily gained right into a partnership. I spent every one of the connection (as it was my first), pleasing her. Doing every little thing I could to make her happy. I don't feel like my requirements were met at all in the relationship.

After the residence troubles, I became a lot more within myself and also personal - still happy, bubbly, energetic on the surface, but on the inside I was a various perboy. But I had this girl to emphasis every one of my initiatives into, and also to attempt to look after and also concentrate on - this just caused 2 years of my preventing myself, my mind, my very own difficulties, and also whatever I had actually been through.

A few months back, me and also this girl damaged up, and also because then, ive just come to be more and more depressed. I've lost the emphasis of my life for the last 2 years (we weren't excellent together, I don't want to gain earlier through her, but the reality she was my priority and I spent daily trying to make her happy was great sufficient for me as I guess I wanted to avoid my very own head).

Now, I get the most incredibly depressing moods on random nights, they can't be avoided, I spfinish hrs and hrs in a horrible mood, reading and also reasoning about my life, around depression, around what on earth I have the right to execute, however nopoint works. I'll think that I need to go to the medical professionals and also gain diagnosed, or sheight to a therapist or a counsellor, but the next day I feel OK, so I never before pluck up the courage to simply go. I think bereason I'm so offered to putting on such a veil eincredibly single damn day of my life, to please everyone else, that anyone that I tried to define my feelings to would certainly never before ever before believe me.

I'm stuck. I've been with so much but never before spoke around it apart from a couple of times in the midst of the troubles, and also over years its built up and I feel like I'm going to explode. I have actually a happy-go-lucky, funny persona that every single perboy in my life knows me for - not 1 perboy on this earth knows that I really am - how have the right to I also understand who I really am once eincredibly single thing I do is to please everyone, how deserve to I develop relationships via brand-new world and also womales, once I can't be myself to them? They will certainly simply end up liking the 'fake' me, and it will certainly all finish in tears aacquire. I'm not being true to myself to anyone else, or to myself, and I fear I can't perform anything around it.

Sorry for the disorganisation of this vent, I've just typed whatever before Im thinking, which is exceptionally messy in my head so probably the same here. There's so a lot I've missed out yet I can't acquire myself to write it bereason no-one will most likely treatment. I am in my 2nd year of College and I can't study or concentprice EVER because my head is such a mess, I can't concentprice, I have to listen to music or remain busy via games or to prevent my thoughts and also the mess that flies approximately my head. I fear I have actually ADD as well onheight of depression and also social stress and anxiety that everyone dislikes me and also simply puts up through me. I'm simply a complete mess and it affects me in eextremely element of my life.

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Just necessary to get this out tright here, hope someone can reply via any kind of type of assist, or similar experiences

tl;dr: Went via a negative time, spent years after focusing on someone else to stop my very own life, have gathered a complete happy-go-lucky persona that I can't break, so on the inside im crying out for assist, depressed, however everyone simply thinks im a happy perchild. I can't break this for are afraid of rejection/not believing me, and I fear also a dr won't believe me bereason ive simply gained so excellent at this persona. No-one knows me, I don't understand me, and also I've got so much depression and also poor experiences collected in my head I'm overwhelmed daily of my life.