this is going to be lengthy and also I know that sounds so harsh and people shouldn’t ever before wish fatality upon anyone however i truly wish he would die so i recognize for 100% certainty i will never watch him or hear around him aacquire. So a little ago story
i dated my ex boyfriend for 3 years. from 2014-2017. 19-22. When i was 13 i had the biggest crush on him bereason earlier then it was cool to be emo and in bands and he remained in the best local band but i knew he wouldn’t desire anything to execute via me. rapid forward to summer is 2014. i’m 19 years old and he hits me up on facebook and we begin dating. At first i loved just how much he loved to push boundaries. exactly how far he can push the envelope was exhilarating to me because we always gained into some wild shit and also in a tiny town at 19 that stuff seemed fun. he was likewise a senior in college and also i was a senior in high institution and i assumed ultimately dating my middle college crush that is about to be a mechanical drafter that was gonna make great money was good. Looking ago on it now, i should’ve recognized it would’ve led me nowbelow good.
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he constantly had a drug/alcohol trouble. at first i didn’t care bereason i didn’t think i would ever before gain caught up in it favor he did and also maybe i can be the one to conserve him. however then seeing him gain high on pills looked prefer fun so why don’t i attempt it? you watch, it was easy for him to acquire painkillers bereason his mother was the perfect patient for a greedy doctor. hypochondriac and given painkillers choose candy. and alcohol? he could chug a bottle of any whisessential, vodka, anypoint choose someone can drink cold water on a warm day. plenty of times i had actually to attempt and shake him awake on a front lawn, hide his firearms so he wouldnt kill himself in a sad drunken stupor, or comprise apology’s for him being a drunk/high jackass. seriously. the first christmas we invested together he came over nodding off opana and also an additional time almost ran me over because i tried to speak him from leaving bc he was drunk and also wanted to kill himself. then wonders why my household hated him. however did this make me leave? no because i thought if i loved him difficult sufficient i can settle him.
His mommy is the meaning of pathetic. nopoint was ever before her fault. woe is her. everyone pity her. just the victim in every scenario. she offered to give him pills then wonder why her kid was an addict and bereason of her, he had mommy issues and his father wasn’t much better. currently him and his dad were thick as thieves. My ex idolized his dad and yes his father was a great dad, he wasn’t an excellent huguy being. sexist, racist, homophobic, misogynistic. he would certainly always say “Womales should be seen and also not heard” and also once uncovered out my brother is gay would certainly constantly speak to him a fagacquired. and because his dad would certainly call his mommy a cunt and also treat her choose shit he assumed it was okay for him to execute the same to me. yet did i leave? no bereason i thought i might deal with him.
ideal after our one year anniversary my mom had a massive heart strike and also unfortunately passed away. throughout this time my sister wanted me to relocate 1,000 miles amethod to be through her bereason she required me at this time, yet feeling breakable and also he knew it, he told me that if i moved to Ithaca, NY (we’re from the buffalo area) that all i would certainly have to carry out is go to school and let him handle the rest. my family members didn’t favor him and warned me not to go because everyone knew he was trash. for the brief time i lived with my sister i had actually a vehicle, a project, and was on the right track, but he “essential me” and knew that i was breakable and essential him. But did i leave? no. bereason i was breakable and also assumed he would settle me.
so i move in through him and also it went from bad to the worst possible nightmare.
yes he paid rent, but hung that over my head. he started drinking eextremely night and also doing even more pills and i’ll admit i enabled him bereason the just time he treated me favor a humale being was as soon as he was high. yet the worse points acquired in between us, the worse my depression ended up being and also the even more i began to rotate to drugs to ease the pain of losing my mom and to escape truth.
him and also his friends would constantly bebit me and he would constantly tell me to kill myself. a few times i virtually did. he would constantly talk about all the girls he could/should be fucking. but did i leave yet? no because we can still be conserved.
2 years go by and also i fail out of college bereason the anxiety at residence wright here eexceptionally night i didn’t understand if we were going to obtain into another fight or if i was gonna have to uncover a place to sleep and also trying to work-related full-time as a waitress at a dead finish restaurant became too a lot for me to take care of. any money i gained from my remoney checks checked out him for “earlier money owed” so i couldn’t acquire a vehicle or my own apartment, or savings, meanwhile he bought himself an audi. he would certainly always say “at leastern i let you drive it!” after our last fight gained physical after he dragged me out of bed i finally decided to speak to my sister and beg to let me live with her because i ultimately realized he could not be saved and i had to conserve myself.
in august of 2017 i moved ago to houston to restart my life. execute i have actually a car? yes. perform i have actually a job? yes. did i lastly uncover someone e that genuinely loves me? yes yet day-to-day i still feel the trauma he inflicted on me for those 3 years. anytime anyone raises their voice i start to shake bereason of just how many type of times he would certainly scream at me. when i hear gun shots i gain nervous bereason he would certainly always shoot his weapons when he was mad or would certainly walk about the house with his gun threatening himself and it also results my relationships now. i had actually to unlearn toxic relationship values and learn brand-new ones. i owe my current boyfrifinish everything because of his patience and also understanding.
had i listened to my family i would’ve actually been finimelted with college ideal now and also not waste 10,000 dollars just to fail out of school wright here my credits can’t even be transferred. i wouldn’t have actually wasted my early 20’s being scared to live because i was in consistent fear of my life and also wasted it being a drug addict which i’m still taking care of now. i would’ve been somebody yet rather i assumed my love was enough to assist someone else and also he gained all the glory. a task that pays $23/hr, an audi, the cat i embraced and also also though it’s been virtually 3 years considering that we broke up i still am handling that trauma.
whenever before i go earlier to visit home im terrified i’m gonna see him out at a bar or somewbelow in town or im afrhelp i’ll view his family. it also doesn’t aid that my ideal friend since i was 2 is dating one of his friends. the believed of seeing him again or hearing his voice strikes a are afraid so deep i begin to gain panic attacks.
after i left that’s once he determined he loved me and would constantly message me how sorry he was and just how much he missed me and essential me, however slept with a new perboy within a week of me leaving NY. it wasn’t all the times i defended him, made excoffers for him, forgave him for abutilizing me, or anypoint else. it was only until he couldn’t hurt me did he realize he loved me.
and also for that, i wish he would certainly simply execute us all a favor and also simply fucking die already.
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sorry for formatting/wording. it’s late and also i’m crying simply to relive this but it feels a small better to let a lot of of it out.